I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
sick fucks of a feather flock together
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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