no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I licked your asshole in confidence.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
