I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
