peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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