I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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