I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
