Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
