I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
