Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
