my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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