I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
