last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
