What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
