Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
