i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
