i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
