I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
