we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
