i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize