Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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