I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
