I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
