Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Found the puke drawer
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
