Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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