My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Someone stole a lamp last night.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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