She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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