So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
