Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
