Already got asked if we're dating
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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