Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
