I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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