He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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