i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
