I think I won the penis lottery.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
