my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
