you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
