you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
