There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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