i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
