i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
