My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
