I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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