I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
