I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Is it penis luge time yet?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
