Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize