yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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