Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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