Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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