dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
