fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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