someone threw a dead crab at me
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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