THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
