I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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