Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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