I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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