can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
