I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
