Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
