my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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