Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
