Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
